One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
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we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’