the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
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Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
You can’t outrun your problems…
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”