Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
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The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
We found love in a hopeless place.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
How about daylight saves us for once
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.