With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.