I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
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The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad