Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
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God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Seems kinda suspicious
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”