remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
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In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*aggressively waits in line*
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.