me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
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Birds & Planes.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
just got my engagement photos
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.