[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
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Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing