I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
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Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I came this close!!!!