Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
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I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
The human personality is made of five key elements
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off