Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

They grow up so quick

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”