Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker![]()
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
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Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Good Morning.
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Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
…żyje?
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I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*