Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
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Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.