Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
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the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!