Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
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[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.