Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”