You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
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Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.