death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
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My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.