I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
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Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]