its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
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Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus