You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
You Might Also Like
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
😲 WTF? 😆
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.