You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
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My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
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Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
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Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.