oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
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Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da