馃が賮賯胤 賮賷 賲氐乇 馃が
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Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
me: the earth isn鈥檛 flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it鈥檚 the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn鈥檛 you?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She鈥檒l never be able to wear them.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don鈥檛 want to hear about your problems.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Me: [from table] gar膰on! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
馃槀馃槀
#MeanwhileinCanada
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.