If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
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i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect