If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
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Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.