I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
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Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
#titanic
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”