A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
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gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.