Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
You Might Also Like
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.