Time is precious, waste it wisely.
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[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Mistakes were made
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
mentally somewhere in italy
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.