Time is precious, waste it wisely.
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If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
(Jupiter –
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭