6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
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police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Not all heroes wear capes.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.