police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
You Might Also Like
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Sharon I have some bad news
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.