I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
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My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don鈥檛 show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
馃幎 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 馃幎
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 馃槶
My kid yelled she couldn鈥檛 wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn鈥檛 a kitten it was an owl and he was, like鈥e was fine there.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?