I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
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How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.