Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
#ProTip
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Pot warmers of the day.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end