I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
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Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.