the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
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Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Mornin. * use accordingly
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Britain be like
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁