My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
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Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
mom gave me mine for free
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Meow
The symmetry is uncanny.