I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.