It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
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Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Kentucky names the shit out of places
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
This came to me in a dream.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on