When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
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I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex