Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
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I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Damn he played himself
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.