Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids