@Grafiksein

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

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@Reverend_Scott

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

@Shanehasabeard

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

@jjhartinger

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

@fro_vo

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

@ArfMeasures

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

@BlondeCalamity

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

@errdayhustlah

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

@rickolantern

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]