Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
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Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working