interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
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just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
thank god the sign was there
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…