The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.