Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
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*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.