An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
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coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson