Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
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Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing