Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
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The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.