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Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*