Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
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It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
This is painfully accurate 😅
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.