What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
why does this building look like a guilty dog
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is