Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
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Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats